


‘Punding’ with Rakuzan

by bob2ff



Series: Miracles Hijinks [7]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Bad Puns, Gen, Humor, Puns & Word Play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-15
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-01-19 12:11:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1469206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bob2ff/pseuds/bob2ff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ch. 1: Hayama decides to try bonding with Rakuzan. Izuki tries to help. PUNdemonium ensues.</p><p>Warning: UnrePUNtant punning.</p><p><em>Izuki stared at him solemnly. “This is my </em>Pun<em>dora’s box — precious joke books that I have written myself over the years. Now for Lesson One: Res</em>pun<em>ding to Situations in Jest.”</em></p><p>Ch.2 up: A Romantic Con<em>pun</em>drum. Hayama gets a crush on Akashi, and asks Izuki for help courting him beyond the basketball court.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for BPS' Challenge 66 (Puns).
> 
> You can think of this as somewhat following after ['Seirin’s Scouting Outing'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1462534), although this also can be read as a standalone.

Hayama stepped into the locker room in Rakuzan and looked around at everyone. Man, the atmosphere was just as oddly stiff as it had been ever since they lost the Winter Cup.

Akashi sat at the head of the locker room, and everyone looked to him as they always did, like he belonged there as their leader. Mibuchi was buffing his nails in the corner, back turned. Nebuya was stuffing his face with granola bars, in his own world.

Although they had (somewhat) gotten over the shock over their first loss, Rakuzan still had nowhere near the buddy-buddy team atmosphere Hayama hoped in his secretest of dreams that they would cultivate.

“Kotarou, you’re late,” Akashi said, his voice not quite yet cold disappointment but just at the delicate balance to achieve it.

Hayama laughed and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Sorry, Akashi! I got distracted by this super cool book about jungle cats! Did you know that cheetahs can make facial expressions? How cool is that! Imagine a cheetah making a grumpy face…” he trailed off giggling. Akashi cut him off.

“We have more important things to discuss. Our training plan for the holidays, in preparation for upcoming tournaments. We still need to train, even as we are sorting out the new players for next year,” Akashi said.

Hayama perked up. “So we’ll be spending time together during the holidays? Cool! Should we make plans for after training? How do you guys feel about bowling? Or we can go to the amusement park?” This time, Mibuchi cut him off.

“It’s already going to be such a pain to groom myself over the training sessions…I can’t imagine hanging out with a bunch of sweaty guys after that,” he pouted primly. “Ah, except Sei-chan of course!” he said, smiling sweetly at Akashi.

Akashi ignored him and turned to Hayama. “Perhaps you should focus more on training instead of post-training plans. We need to get our performance up to par for all future tournaments.”

Hayama wilted. Akashi began lecturing Nebuya on his dietary habits, while Mibuchi agreed vigorously. Hayama sighed, and did not say anything for the rest of the meeting.

***

Feeling down after the meeting, Hayama decided to go to the bookstore. Maybe he could get a manga or something to cheer him up. Or another book on cheetahs!

As he browsed, his eyes fell on a book called ‘Gaining Com _pun_ ions:  _Charm_ ing your way to  _Chums_!’ He brightened. There was only one person he knew who was the cham _pun_  of puns.

***

“Hayama! I’m exs _ide_ d to see you this  _side_  of town!” Izuki waved cheerily. Hayama cheered up immediately, dissolving into giggles.

“Thanks for agreeing to meet up, Izuki! I came all the way to Tokyo because I need your help with something,” Hayama said eagerly.

Izuki smiled. “With your  _fervour_  for my jokes, I’ll always be willing to do a  _favour_  for you!”

Hayama beamed. “That’s awesome, thanks! Well, Rakuzan has been having some really weird team bonding issues. The team spirit is totally off. I look at Seirin, and I want it to be at least something like that. Do you know how to develop that kind of spirit?”

“Hm…” Izuki looked thoughtful. “So Ra _ku_ zan is more Ra _kook_ zan than Ra _cool_ zan, you say?” Hayama giggled as Izuki  _pun_ dered the issue. Man, coming all the way here would never be a waste of time. He was feeling better already.

Izuki slammed a fist on his palm. “I got it! You came to me because my jokes bring everyone in Seirin together! I’m sure  _you_  could  _you_ nify the team if you learnt how to joke like me!”

He slammed a stack of notebooks on the table. Hayama stared at them reverently. They had handwritten titles like “Don’t  _Pun_ der to the Masses…be a  _Pun_ nacle of originality!” and “Be a  _Pun_ a Fide  _Pun_  Master!”

Izuki stared at him solemnly. “This is my  _Pun_ dora’s box — precious joke books that I have written myself over the years. Now for Lesson One: Res _pun_ ding to Situations in Jest.”

***

Hayama skipped whistling into the Rakuzan locker room. He was excited to  _preserve_  teamplay by removing the  _jam_  within their team.

Again, they were all seated together, yet so apart. Akashi was the focal point of attention yet once more.

“Hey guys!” Hayama chirped brightly. “We shouldn’t be  _camping_  in the locker room, so why is everyone  _intense_?” Silence met his words.

Hayama gulped as they all stared at him. Damn, he had thought that one was good to start  _lightening_  the mood. But he had  _lightning_  quick reflexes, and thought of another one immediately.

“Nebuya! Would you like some  _salt_  with your  _chips_? It’s Spring, the  _seasoning_  for  _chirps_ , after all!” he said brightly. Nebuya frowned confusedly at him. Okay, maybe that one had been a little too con _pun_ ding to understand.

Akashi sighed. “Kotarou. Have you been spending time with Seirin’s point guard?”

Hayama brightened. “Nice one, Akashi! You’re right, Izuki and I have been s _pun_ ding time together! I visited him in Tokyo last week.”

Mibuchi bonked his head. “Hayama. What is wrong with you?”

Hayama looked at him eagerly. “ _Reo_ -nee! Do you ag _Reo_  that my jokes are helping to bring the team together?”

“You have misunderstood the role of puns in Seirin completely,” Akashi said flatly. “Seirin probably unifies in irritation at Izuki Shun’s jokes, more so than in laughter and warmth.”

Hayama began to wilt. “But — I thought they were  _pun_ ifying!” This time, Nebuya got him in a headlock.

“Enough already! They’re driving me crazy!” Nebuya yelled. Hayama choked from the headlock, “Would you say my jokes  _drive_  you crazier than my basketball  _drives_?”

“Let him go, Eikichi,” Akashi said calmly. He looked at Hayama. “Kotarou, we understand now. We can hang out more as a team if that will get you to stop making these jokes.”

Mibuchi nodded vigorously in relief. “Yes, I don’t mind hanging out if you will just stop right now.”

Hayama brightened. “So my puns have stu _pun_ dously brought us all together!”

They all advanced at once to him, threateningly. Hayama quickly put his hands out. “I’ll stop! I’ll stop!”

Hayama was re _leaf_ ed to find that day’s team meeting going a lot less  _wood_ enly than it did before. Rakuzan might never have the  _buddy_ -like feeling Seirin had, but with their extensive  _buddy_ get, they could begin with tons of team activities. It wasn’t much, but it was a start to more team bonding.

For one thing, while Mibuchi had snapped at Nebuya as usual for being food-obsessed, he had also asked him to recommend a healthy  _chicken_  place for lunch. Hayama had happily suggested he  _wing_  it.

And then Akashi had placed a hand on Hayama’s shoulder and asked if he would help him plan for the team post-training activities. Ecstatic, Hayama had asked if kara _oke_  was kara _okay_. Despite the blank stare Akashi had given him in response, Hayama swore his lips had curved ever so slightly upwards as they  _occasion_ ally did, although this was a particularly rare  _Akashi_ on.

Hayama made sure to text Izuki later, telling him what a  _Seirin_ g grace his jokes had been for Rakuzan’s team bonding.

“Your jokes were definitely the  _pun_ acea for our team’s problems!” he had said excitedly.

Izuki had been delighted. “I did not expect it, but I guess reviving team  _chemistry_  through jokes is definitely my  _element_.”


	2. A Romantic Conpundrum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hayama gets a crush on Akashi, and asks Izuki for help courting him beyond the basketball court.

“No more being in the Zone for today, Hayama-kun.”

“B-but – Akashi!” Hayama’s pleading was met with Akashi’s unyielding stare. A stare that would have been a lot scarier if both his eyes were still dichromatic. That being said, however, this still _was_ Akashi, and the stare would have been intimidating to most lesser mortals. 

And this still  _was_ Hayama, in whose existence self-preservation instincts can be called into question. 

“I want to be in the Zone! Send me into the Zone! Come ooooon, Akashiiii…” his whine dragged on and on as he followed Akashi around the court. His movements were abruptly stopped as he slammed into Akashi’s outstretched hand.

Akashi had turned around and was now levelling a slightly amused, slightly exasperated gaze at him. “Hayama-kun.” 

“Senpai,” Hayama corrected him, cheekily. Since the Winter Cup final, it had become an unspoken agreement that it would be slightly awkward for Akashi to call every member in his team a ‘senpai.’

Secretly, and quite frankly, most of Rakuzan thought it would be creepy and weird if he  _did_  start calling them that.  _Almost_  as creepy as his sudden personality shift.

“So, Akashi, you  _have_  to do as your senpai says, and send me into the Zone.” Hayama prattled on, smirking to let a fang through. 

Akashi was about to say something when – “Leave Sei-chan alone, Hayama!” Mibuchi stalked over, bonking Hayama on the head. “He has better things to do than sending you into the Zone just because you want it, for the heck of it.”

“It’s  _better_  if we train in the Zone!” Hayama rounded on him, protesting. “We can reach 250%! That’s 150% more than 100%, which is the –”

Hayama would have said more, but Akashi’s hand was now on his mouth, stopping the torrent of words.

“As impressed as I am with your ability to do maths, Hayama-kun, there is a reason why I can’t send you into the Zone anymore for today,” Akashi said. His lips were quirked, and his hand was firm on Hayama’s face.

“I don’t want you to overexert yourself. The Zone can overburden an athlete’s body.” Akashi removed his hand from Hayama, and placed it on his shoulder, squeezing gently. 

“In fact, I recommend you rest up for now, eat some sports supplements and stay away from too much white rice for now…” the rest of Akashi’s mother-hen smothering was lost on Hayama, as he spaced out. 

“Wow, Akashi’s being so nice. His hand is so warm – wait, why am  _I_  so warm?” Hayama suddenly realized the flush rising at the back of his neck. He watched Akashi’s lips moving, wondering at the shape of them, suddenly noticing how  _perfect_  Akashi’s facial structure was. 

He snapped back into attention as he heard Akashi say, “too much kappamaki, should cut down for your training menu.” 

“No more kappamaki!” Hayama yelped. “Why?”

Akashi levelled another gaze at him.

“Sorry, I zoned out,” Hayama chuckled sheepishly, then brightened. “Hey get it?  _Zoned_ out–”

Mibuchi whacked him on the head before he could finish celebrating the pun. “You’ve been hanging around Seirin’s point guard again! It’s the third time this week!” 

“Maybe you’re just  _weak_ to my jokes this  _week_  – ” Hayama looked around to see if Akashi was laughing, but then noticed he had already left. 

Despite himself, Hayama felt disappointed. 

***

“Izuki, you’ve  _gotta_  help me!” Hayama grabbed Izuki by the shoulders, shaking him.

“Whoa, whoa, what’s the matter,  _cheetah_  chasing your tail?” Izuki smiled brightly, proud of himself despite Hayama’s swinging him back and forth with his violent shaking. “Heh, get it, because –”

“I know, I know, I have animal instincts and I’m fast like a cheetah, good one, but this is more important!” Hayama collapsed into the chair in the cafe.

“What, more important than our weekly  _Pun_ derings?” Izuki lifted one of his joke books, sadly.

“Yes,” Hayama said seriously. “I don’t know why, but I’ve been feeling… _things_  around Akashi.”

Izuki stared. “You mean, feeling  _fear_? That’s normal.” Hayama shook his head, slowly.

Izuki gulped. “We  _are_  talking about Rakuzan’s captain, Akashi Seijurou – split personality, can go from nice to ‘I’ll cut you up with these scissors’ – ”

“Cool, calm, collected, beautiful cheekbones, that Akashi, yes,” Hayama interrupted. “He’s good at _everything_! And he’s really nice, he let me bring my skateboard into the basketball court one time–” 

“You have a  _crush_  on Akashi Seijurou,” Izuki gasped in awe. Hayama blinked at him.

Then, because he could never help himself, Izuki continued, “You’re going to be  _crushed_ , literally.”

Hayama spluttered. “N-no way! Just because I can never do a layup properly when he takes off his shirt during training doesn’t mean –”

“I’ll help you win him over!” Izuki ignored him, immediately grabbing a notebook. He showed it to Hayama, a slow smile spreading on his face. “Not even Akashi Seijurou will be able to resist this.” 

Hayama stared reverentially, mouthing the title of the book. “ _Pun_  your way into any  _Pun_ k’s heart.”

***

“Hey, hey, Akashi! I’ll help you out!” Hayama ran over to help Akashi clear the courts after practice.

“Hayama-kun.” Akashi smiled at him. Hayama immediately felt a lump in his throat, and resisted the urge to sputter. “You’re being unusually helpful today. It’s not going to work if you think this will make me send you into the Zone for longer during next training session.”

“N-no!” Hayama squeaked, then cringed at the sound of his own voice. “I mean, I thought you might want some help.” 

Akashi narrowed his eyes and stared at him. Hayama gulped again. He took a deep breath, running over the lines repeatedly in his head.

“Hey – Akashi! Don’t you think I should be a  _Center_?” Akashi blinked at the sudden change in topic.

“Are you alright, Hayama-kun –” 

“Because I want to be the  _center_  of your attention!” Hayama scrunched his eyes and yelled it out. His heart hammering in his chest, he waited for Akashi’s response.

He heard a sigh, and opened his eyes warily to an Akashi who was looking at him resignedly.

“Hayama-kun – did you get me alone here just to try your jokes on me? Is this like that time where you and Nebuya-kun made a bet to see who could make me laugh –” 

“N-no!” Hayama waved his hands frantically, then rummaged through his gym bag. 

“H-here!” He shoved a box into Akashi’s hands.

Blinking slowly, Akashi opened the box.

“D-do you like  _dates_? How would you like to go on a  _raisin_  with me – wait no,” Hayama smacked himself on the head.

Akashi stared at the box of raisins in his hand. 

“Hayama-kun…” he started slowly. Hayama peeked at him through the fingers he had covering his brightly flushed face. 

“Are you asking me out?” To his horror, Hayama saw the beginnings of a smile spread on Akashi’s face. He was going to laugh at him! Or worse, stab a pair of scissors at him! 

At that moment, Hayama felt as though something heavy and dull had suddenly sank into his chest, weighing him down. He wanted to go home and bury himself under his blankets. He wanted to go to the skateboard park and do so many flips he would forget that moment. He wanted to be anywhere but where he was, at that moment.

“I-I think I need to go! I need to…I need to help Mibuchi blow-dry his hair!” Hayama choked, turning around and walked as quickly away as he could without seeming like he was running away.

“Hayama-kun.” Akashi stopped him by grabbing him on the arm. Hayama refused to face him, staring instead at his shoes. 

“Mibuchi-kun would never allow you to touch his hair.” Amused, yet kind. Hayama judged Akashi’s tone of voice to be safe enough for him to turn around.

When he did, he felt himself being pulled forward by a grip on his shirt, and lips on his own. Akashi smelt clean – he always did, despite captaining a boy’s basketball team and practicing for hours every day. Hayama felt his lips widen in a smile, and felt Akashi’s lips quirk up as well, on his own. 

When they finally broke apart, Hayama threw up his hands in the air. “Yes!” he whooped. “I gotta tell Izuki that it worked!” 

Akashi shook his head. “It wasn’t the jokes, Hayama-kun.” But he was still smiling, that smile Hayama now could not get enough of.

As Akashi leaned in closer again, Hayama could not help himself.

“You know what, Akashi,” Hayama said, impulsively. “If you were a basketball, I would never shoot you, because I will always  _miss_  you.” He inwardly brightened – another one to add to the books, Izuki would be so proud.

Akashi released a short, sharp breath, which Hayama almost dared to be a chuckle. Then he stepped away, to Hayama’s disappointment.

“Say that again and you’re banned from practice,” Akashi looked at him from the side of his eyes. “I don’t need a small forward on my team missing his shots.” 

Hayama gaped and sputtered, but then he noticed the secret smile. “But then again,” Akashi stepped closer again, and Hayama leaned eagerly closer as well. “If  _you_  were a basketball, I’d never pass because I would want to keep you all to myself.” 

Heart bursting with joy, Hayama leaned to press his lips against Akashi’s again, but then Akashi placed a hand on his mouth. 

“Now, no more jokes like that for at least a month. I said that earlier in a momentary lapse in my judgement,  _not_  an encouragement for you to continue.” 

And before Hayama could protest, Akashi covered his words with his lips.

**Author's Note:**

> I just had to write Hayama and Izuki together again, after Seirin's Scouting Outing. Hope you guys enjoyed the PUNorama of puns in this one!


End file.
